Tip: How to ask & reject salary increament

If you the Employee you can ask as follows:

Dear Bo$$

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.

Your$ $incerely,

Marian $hih

####

If you are the BO$$ you can reply as follows:

Dear Marian

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.

NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

Yours truly,

Manager




Tq: Mahligai YahooGroup




P/S: Congratulations to all my friends in Sapura for their salary increment. Some of them also got promoted!  

Cancel the credit card before you die, this is why!

I would love to share the e-mail that I had received from Mahligai@yahoogroup.com few days back. Keep on smiling :)


Note: True story forwarded to me (But i don't really know how far it is true). I just love the conversation

My Aunt died this past January. Citibank billed her for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge... the balance had been $0.00... Now it was somewhere around $60.00.

I placed the following phone call to CitiBank:

Me: 'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'
CitiBank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Me: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections'
CitiBank: 'Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been.'
Me: 'So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
CitiBank: 'Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau maybe both!'
Me: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
CitiBank:'... excuse me... ?'
Me: 'Did you just get what I was telling you... the part about her being dead?'
CitiBank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!' (Supervisor gets on the phone)
Me: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'
CitiBank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Me: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'
CitiBank: '.....(stammer)' '....Are you her lawyer?'
Me: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info given... )
CitiBank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
Me: 'Sure.'
(Fax number is given)
(After they get the fax.)
CitiBank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death'
Me: 'Oh... '
CitiBank: 'I don't know what more I can do to help..'
Me: 'Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her... I suppose... Don't really think she will care....'
CitiBank: 'Well... the late fees and charges do still apply.'
Me: 'Would you like her new billing address?'
CitiBank: 'That might help.'
Me: 'Nilai Memorial Park Cemetery ( North South Highway and plot number given.)
CitiBank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'
Me: 'What do you do with dead people on your planet?'

Hehehe

A brilliant interview...

Some, rather most organizations reject his CV today because he has changed jobs frequently (10 in 14 years). My friend, the ˜job hopper™ (referred here as Mr. JH), does not mind it. Well he does not need to mind it at all. Having worked full-time with 10 employer companies in just 14 years gives Mr. JH the relaxing edge that most of the ˜company loyal™ employees are struggling for today. Today, Mr. JH too is laid off like some other 14-15 year experienced guys " the difference being the latter have just worked in 2-3 organizations in the same number of years. Here are the excerpts of an interview with Mr. JH:

Q: Why have you changed 10 jobs in 14 years? 

A: To get financially sound and stable before getting laid off the second time.

Q: So you knew you would be laid off in the year 2009? 

A: Well I was laid off first in the year 2002 due to the first global economic slowdown. I had not got a full-time job before January 2003 when the economy started looking up; so I had struggled for almost a year without job and with compromises.

Q: Which number of job was that? 

A: That was my third job.

Q: So from Jan 2003 to Jan 2009, in 6 years, you have changed 8 jobs to make the count as 10 jobs in 14 years?

A: I had no other option. In my first 8 years of professional life, I had worked only for 2 organizations thinking that jobs are deserved after lot of hard work and one should stay with an employer company to justify the saying employer loyalty™. But I was an idiot.

Q: Why do you say so? 

A: My salary in the first 8 years went up only marginally. I could not save enough and also, I had thought that I had a permanent™ job, so I need not worry about ˜what will I do if I lose my job™. I could never imagine losing a job because of economic slowdown and not because of my performance. That was January 2002.

Q: Can you brief on what happened between January 2003 and 2009. 

A: Well, I had learnt my lessons of being ˜company loyal™ and not ˜money earning and saving loyal™. But then you can save enough only when you earn enough. So I shifted my loyalty towards money making and saving " I changed 8 jobs in 6 years assuring all my interviewers about my stability.

Q: So you lied to your interviewers; you had already planned to change the job for which you were being interviewed on a particular day? 

A: Yes, you can change jobs only when the market is up and companies are hiring. You tell me " can I get a job now because of the slowdown? No. So one should change jobs for higher salaries only when the market is up because that is the only time when companies hire and can afford the expected salaries.

Q: What have you gained by doing such things? 

A: That's the question I was waiting for. In Jan 2003, I had a fixed salary (without variables) of say Rs. X p.a. In January 2009, my salary was 8X. So assuming my salary was Rs.3 lakh p.a. in Jan 2003, my last drawn salary in Jan 2009 was Rs.24 lakh p.a. (without variable). I never bothered about variable as I had no intention to stay for 1 year and go through the appraisal process to wait for the company to give me a hike. 

Q: So you decided on your own hike? 

A: Yes, in 2003, I could see the slowdown coming again in future like it had happened in 2001-02. Though I was not sure by when the next slowdown would come, I was pretty sure I wanted a ˜debt-free™ life before being laid off again. So I planned my hike targets on a yearly basis without waiting for the year to complete.

Q: So are you debt-free now? 

A: Yes, I earned so much by virtue of job changes for money and spent so little that today I have a loan free 2 BR flat (1200 sq.. feet) plus a loan free big car without bothering about any EMIs. I am laid off too but I do not complain at all. If I have laid off companies for money, it is OK if a company lays me off because of lack of money.

Q: Who is complaining? 

A: All those guys who are not getting a job to pay their EMIs off are complaining. They had made fun of me saying I am a job hopper and do not have any company loyalty. Now I ask them what they gained by their company loyalty; they too are laid off like me and pass comments to me " why will you bother about us, you are already debt-free. They were still in the bracket of 12-14 lakh p.a. when they were laid off.

Q: What is your advice to professionals?

A: Like Narayan Murthy had said " love your job and not your company because you never know when your company will stop loving you. In the same lines, love yourself and your family needs more than the company's needs. Companies can keep coming and going; family will always remain the same. Make money for yourself first and simultaneously make money for the company, not the other way around.

Q: What is your biggest pain point with companies? 

A: When a company does well, its CEO will address the entire company saying, ˜well done guys, it is YOUR company, keep up the hard work, I am with you. But when the slowdown happens and the company does not do so well, the same CEO will say, It is MY company and to save the company, I have to take tough decisions including asking people to go. So think about your financial stability first; when you get laid off, your kids will complain to you and not your boss.

Pirate - Received this from one of my friend :)

NO Speak English

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. 

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs. 

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts. 

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

(Please scroll down)

What were you
thinking? 

Her husband speaks English!

Now get back to work.

I worry about you 
sometimes!

Abang Leman

KISAH INI BERLAKU DI KAMPUNG LEPAR HULU SELANGOR

Ada sepasang suami isteri yang baru berumahtangga, isterinya bernama Melor manakala suaminya bernama Wak Leman.Boleh dikatakan hari-hari mereka melakukan hubungan seks...Tiba- tiba,pada suatu hari... Wak Leman jatuh sakit.... dan mati....Wak Leman nie memang tinggi ilmunya sebelum mati dia sempat berpesan pada isterinya "sayang kalau abang mati kau jangan cari jantan lain, abang dah jampi anu abang...jadi bila abang mati nanti kau potonglah anu abang....bila kau rasa gersang, kau cuma perlu jerit "Abang Leman!!!", maka anu abang akan datang puas kan nafsu mu"...

Maka isterinya pun menurut pesanan aruah suaminya.... di potongnya anu suaminya dan simpan di dalam peti sejuk.. Hari yang berikutnya... Melor pun mencuba lalu dia menjerit "Abang Lemann!!!!!" maka anu suaminya pun terbang pergi mendapatkan isterinya... ..Boleh dikatakan setiap malam apabila gersang, Melor menjerit "Abang Leman!!!"

Perbuatan Melor itu menjadikan tanda tanya jirannya Mak Cik Nab yang dah berumur 60th... Akibat rasa ingin tahu Makcik Nab pun mengadu dengan Joyah..."Kenapa aaa si melor tu tiap2 malam asik menjerit panggil Abang Leman??

"Dia jerit macammana?", tanya joyah.... "macam nie.. Abang Lemaaaan!!!" maka terbanglah anu leman menuju ke pemanggilnya. ... kesian Makcik Nab kene "underdog".

Cerita ini makin tersebar luas seluruh kampung sehingga ke pengetahuan Tok
Penghulu..

"Tok! Kami nak mengadu... ada perogol bersiri dalam kampung kita nie habis nenek-nenek, Janda, anak dara semua disapunya!"

"iyeeeeee keee!!!" jawab tok penghulu dgn terperanjat..."Siapalah yang punya angkara nie agaknya",tanya penghulu lagi..

"Entahlah tok tapi yang saya tahu semua mangsa ada menyebut 'Abang Leman'", jawab Pak Lebai...

Apa... Abang Leman...!!!!" Jerit penghulu dengan Marah. Maka terbanglah anu si leman ini menuju ke pemanggilnya. Semenjak kejadian itu semua org kampung tak berani lagi menyebut nama "Abang Leman", manakala Tok Penghulu Kampung itu masih lagi ditahan di Hospital Kuala Selangor kerana mengalami koyak punggung yang serius...

KEPADA PEMBACA HATI- HATILAH KETIKA MENYEBUT ABANG LEMAN MUNGKIN INI AKAN TERJADI PADA ANDA.... KERANA ABANG LEMAN NI TAK MENGIRA MANGSA, SAPA JERIT SIAP LE DIA.... PERGGGHHHHH. ...!!!!!!!!

Oleh itu dinasihatkan anda supaya tidak menjerit2 namer Abang Leman....kalu namer abang lain takper..macam abang sepat ker atau abang panjang tapi...sebut. .. Abang Leman memang tak bole....!!!! sebab eeee,,,,memang misteri. Begitulah menurut cerita orang kampung Lepar hulu selangor.... (tipu jer nih heheh)

Kisah 4 Pengantin Baru

Mak Minah dan Pak Mat ada 4 org anak perempuan yang sangat disayangi iaitu Siti, Seri, Murni dan Suri.

Satu hari mereka berpakat utk kawinkan anak2 ni serentak. Selepas selamat diijabkabulkan, ke-empat2 anak tu pun bercadang untuk pegi honeymoon.

Siti pegi honeymoon ke Pulau Langkawi, Seri ke Pulau Tioman, Murni ke Pulau Kapas dan Suri ke Pulau Pangkor.

Sebelum pegi Mak Minah dan Pak Mat berpesan, "nanti jgn lupa hantar berita pada mak dan ayah. Ceritakan macamana honeymoon korang. Tak payah tulis panjang2, pakai kod iklan aje dah cukup. Ringkas, padat dan cepat." Panjang lebar Mak Minah memberi arahan pada anak2nya.

Seminggu lepas tu depa terimalah surat dari Siti yang bertulis 'Standard Chartered'. Tercari2lah kedua suami isteri ni iklan Standard Chartered dan bila jumpa, tersenyum le kedua2nya membaca iklan yang bertulis "Besar, teguh dan peramah".. Bahagialah Si Siti rupanya..

Esoknya terima pula surat Seri yang bertulis 'Nescafe'. Carilah iklan Nescafe dan tersenyum lagi keduanya membaca iklan yang bertulis "Nikmatnya hingga ketitisan yang terakhir" Bahagialah Si Seri rupanya ...

Selang beberapa hari kemudian, tiba pula surat Murni bertulis KFC'. Carilah iklan KFC dan tersenyum keduanya membaca iklan yang bertulis 'Hingga Menjilat Jari'... Bahagialah Si Murni rupa nya...

Seminggu berlalu, tiada surat dari Suri, Mak Minah dan Pak Mat dah risau. Dua Minggu... tak ada jugak?. masuk minggu ke tiga baru sampai surat dari Suri dengan isi kandungannya "AIR ASIA".

Bergegas le Mak Minah cari iklan penerbangan tu sbb tak sabar nak tau apa yg jadi kat anak bongsunya. Bila dibaca?.. Mak Minah dan Pak Mat terkulat2 tak tau nak senyum atau menangis.... Apa motto iklan itu...????

"7 KALI SEMINGGU..3 JAM SEKALI.. NON-STOP!!" :p

9 Peribahasa moden yg takkan didengar dalam radio

1. Seperti anjing jantan dgn anjing betina

Maknernyer: Dua orang yg pantang bertemu...asek nak beromen aje

2. Sepandai-pandai lalat terbang akhirnya ke taik jugak dia hinggap

Maknernyer: Orang kalau dah perokok tu...kalau dia berenti....akhirnya dia gerenti start balik punyer

3. Sepandai-pandai tupai melompat,tak pernah masok ke sukan Olimpik

Maknernyee : Jangan macam bagus....pasal yg macam bagus tu selalunya tak bagus

4. Biar putih tulang jgn putih muker

Maknernyee: Kalau surat beranak dah letak orang Melayu jgn eksen nak jadi Mat Salleh plak... be proud of what you are

5. Kalau tidak ader angin masakan satu LRT boleh bau busuk

Maknernyer: Kentotlah...

6. Seperti kacang luperkan mama

Maknernyer: Orang yg tak sedar diri....tak kenang jasa baik orang yg muler-muler mempopularkan dia.

7. Ader udang di sebalik udang lain

Maknernyer: Jgn sangka yg duduk sorang kat tempat sunyi tu sorang....check betul-betul, mesti ader sorang lagi kat bawah ke....tengah ke...baring ke

8. Biar mati anak jgn mati pucuk

Maknernyer: Kalau dah mati pucuk camner nak dapat anak?

9. Sudah jatuh ditimpa piano

Maknernyer: Nasib malang yg tak agak-agak

P/S: Biar susah, jangan menyusahkan…

Lawak budak skolah ngan cikgunye...

PART I

Cikgu Nasyor sedang mengendali kelasnya dalam aktiviti sukan di padang sekolah. Seperti biasa, Cikgu Nasyor akan menyuruh murid²nya melakukan regangan otot. Tiba di satu bahagian, dimana murid² baring dan mengangkat kaki lalu menggerakkannya seperti sedang mengayuh basikal. Cikgu Nasyor asyik memerhati seorang muridnya yang pada mulanya menggerakkan kakinya tiba² memberhentikan kakinya. Lalu Cikgu Nasyor menyergah muridnya yang bernama Mat.

Cikgu Nasyor: "Woiiii Mat, apa sebab kau berhenti ni hah"

Mat : "Oh Cikgu Nasyor, basikal saya tengah turun bukit Cikgu, sebab tu saya berhenti.Takkan nak kayuh jugak."

PART II

Waktu sekolah telah tamat. Sebelum keluar kelas, Cikgu Nasyor telah bertanya kpd murid²nya.

Cikgu : Siapa nak masuk/pergi syurga?

Semua murid mengangkat tangan kecuali Mat lalu Cikgu Nasyor pun bertanya,

Cikgu : Mat, kenapa awak tak nak pergi/masuk syurga?

Mat : Mak saya kata lepas habis sekolah, terus balik rumah..jangan pergi mana-mana.

PART III

Cikgu Nasyor sedang mengajar Bahasa Melayu dalam kelas 1 Mawar...

Cikgu : Mat, boleh kamu buat ayat dengan menggunakan perkataan tepong?

Mat : Itu senang saja cikgu.. ayatnya ialah.... emak sedang membuat kek di dapur.

Cikgu : Mana tepungnya??

Man : Tepung kan ke dalam kek tu.... Cikgu nie tak sekolah ke hape??

PART V

Cikgu Nasyor : Joe, cuba terangkan apakah tugas akar pokok pisang?

Joe : Untuk mencari makanan, cikgu

Cikgu Nasyor : Bagus! Sekarang giliran Wati pulak. Apakah tugas batang pokok pisang?

Wati : Untuk membawa makanan yang dicari akarnya, cikgu.

Cikgu Nasyor : Bagus! Sekarang giliran Mat pula. Apakah tugas daun pisang?

Mat : untuk membungkus nasi lemak, cikgu...

Cikgu Nasyor : uii... lagi bagus... berdiri atas meja sampai habis kelas..

Dumb moose

Is this what you call STATUEtory RAPE ?

:P

Best Break-Off Letter Ever

A soldier stationed in Afghanistan recently received a letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us.

I'm sorry.

Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky..............

The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters or ex-girlfriends. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope.... along with this note:

Dear Becky,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the hell you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care,

Ricky

THIS IS A VERY GOOD ONE!

Abdullah Ahmad Badawi goes to a primary school to talk about the corruption together with all his tough looking bodyguards. After his talk, he offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand and Abdullah asked, "What is your name?"

"Liong." 

"And what is your question, Liong?"

"I have 3   questions... 

First, why did Malaysia Prime Minister open ceremony for his relatives' Nasi Kandar in Australia?

Second, why many Indians wanted Samy Vellu to stepped down yet he is still their leader?

Third, why corruption is obvious now in Malaysia but not so before Mahathir stepped down? What is the strategy difference to cover up?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess.

Abdullah Ahmad Badawi informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Abdullah says, "Ok where were we? Oh, that's right... question time. Who has a question?" 

A different little boy raises his hand.

Abdullah points him out and asked him, "What is your name?"

"Linkam."

"And what is your question Linkam?"

"I have 5 questions...

First, why did Malaysia Prime Minister open ceremony for his relatives Nasi Kandar in Australia?

Second, why many Indians wanted Samy Velu to stepped down yet he is still their leader?

Third, why corruption is obvious now in Malaysia but not so before Mahathir stepped down? What is the strategy difference to cover up?

Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?

Fifth, where is Liong?"


p/s: Don't scold me hahahahah...

Some funny lines

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

********

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

********

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

********

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

********

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

********

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

********

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

********

DISCUSSION T! ECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

********

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Cara nak kuruskan badan

Seorang mamat yang gemuk masuk ke fitness center untuk menguruskan badan.. seorang lelaki di kaunter bertanya kepada mamat tadi,

"Kami menawarkan 2 program disini... RM 50 untuk versi 'biasa' dan RM100 untuk versi 'cepat'."

Mamat tu pon berkata, " Saya ingat yang biasalah sebab saya ni baru nak try kuruskan badan."

"Ok, Encik sila masuk ke bilik no.5 di penjuru bilik sana," jawab penjaga kaunter.

Mamat tadi pun masuk la ke bilik itu dan menutupnya. Selang 2 minit kemudian, seorang wanita cantik, lawa, body best, mantap masuk ke dalam bilik itu. dia kemudian menanggalkan pakaiannya sehingga menyebabkan mamat tu tak senang duduk,berpeluh.

Perempuan tadi berkata," kalau tuan dapat tangkap saya, tuan boleh buat apa saja dengan saya... hikhikhikk" dan dia terus berlari dalam bilik itu. mamat tadi pun kejar la.. kejar punya kejar samapai 10 minit pon tak dapat lagi. tapi mamat tu kejar lagi sampai terjatuh terjelepok lalu pengsan.

Apabila dia sedar, dia bangun dan terus ke penimbang dan mendapati beratnya dah turun 3 kg. " wow.. mmg senang nak turun berat badan,.. memang berbaloi aku bayar RM 50 tadi" katanya seoarng diri.

Keesokkan harinya dia datang semula ke tempat tersebut. Dia ditegur oleh pemuda di kaunter. Setelah diberi penerangan seperti semalam, mamat tadi memilih untuk mencuba versi 'cepat' pula.

"Baiklah, Encik masuk bilik no. 6 di situ ya.."kata penjaga kaunter.

Setelah beberapa minit didalam bilik itu, datanglah seorang body builder yang badannya tough dan terus melondehkan pakaiannya lalu berkata "Saya akan kejar kamu dalam bilik ini, dan.... kalau saya dapatttttt emmmmmmmmm...

To release sum tension...read thru...

Who says our English is teruk? Just see below - Ours is simple, short, concise, straight-to-point, effective etc.........
WHEN GIVING A CUSTOMER BAD NEWS
Britons: I'm sorry, Sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.
Malaysians: No Stock.

RETURNING A CALL
Britons: Hello, this is John Smith. Did anyone page for me a few moments ago?
Malaysians: Hello, who page?

ASKING SOMEONE TO MAKE WAY
Britons: Excuse me, I'd like to get by. Would you please make way?
Malaysians: S-kew me

WHEN SOMEONE OFFERS TO PAY
Britons: Hey, put your wallet away, this drink is on me.
Malaysians: No-need, lah.

WHEN ASKING FOR PERMISSION
Britons: Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door?
Malaysians: (pointing the door) can ar?

WHEN ENTERTAINING
Britons: Please make yourself right at home.
Malaysians: Don't be shy, lah!

WHEN DOUBTING SOMEONE
Britons: I don't recall you giving me the money.
Malaysians: Where got?

WHEN DECLINING AN OFFER
Britons: I'd prefer not to do that, if you don't mind.
Malaysians: Don't want la...

IN DISAGREEING ON A TOPIC OF DISCUSSION
Britons: Err. Tom, I have to stop you there. I understand where you're coming from, but I really have to disagree with what you said about the issue.
Malaysians: You mad, ah?

WHEN ASKING SOMEONE TO LOWER THEIR
VOICE.
Britons: Excuse me, but could you please! lower your voice, I'm trying to concentrate over here.
Malaysians: Shut up lah!

WHEN ASKING SOMEONE IF HE/SHE KNOWS
YOU.
Britons: Excuse me, but I noticed you staring at me for some time.. Do I know you?
Malaysians: See what, see what?

WHEN ASSESSING A TIGHT SITUATION.
Britons: We seem to be in a bit of a predicament at the moment.
Malaysians: Die-lah!!

WHEN TRYING TO FIND OUT WHAT HAD
HAPPENED
Britons: Will someone tell me what has just happened?
Malaysians: Wat happen, why like that....

WHEN SOME ONE DID SOMETHING WRONG
Britons: This isn't the way to do it here let me show you,
Malaysians: like that also don't know how to do!!!!

WHEN ONE IS ANGRY
Britons: Would you mind not disturbing me
Malaysians: Celaka u

3 SAHABAT VS TOK IMAM

Di sebuah kg ada 3 org remaja yg suka lepak. Sorang tu nama dia Ali, sorang tu Budin dan sorang lagi Ciko. Aktiviti seharian depa ni menybbkan tok imam x senang duduk. Pd satu hari tok imam tu dtg dgn niat nak tarbiyah depa ni. Maka berlakulah bbrp insiden cabar-mencabar.

Tok imam tu cabar si mangkuk 3 ekor tu ke surau waktu Maghrib nnt. Si Ali pun berkata, "Tok imam ingat kami ni jahil sangat ke? Takpa, nnt kami buktikan yg kami bkn la jahil sgt spt yg disangkakan".

Maka apb hampir masuk waktu Maghrib pegilah malaun 3 ekor tu ke surau. Tok imam pun suruh Ali azan. Tanpa berlengah terus je Ali azan,

"Allah Ta'ala... Allah Ta'ala..." Dgn segera tok imam merampas mikrofon drp Ali & menyuruh tok bilal azan semula. Terserlah kejahilan Ali.

Selepas iqamat, masa nak sembahyang tok imam pun mengangkat takbiratul ihram. Tok imam pun satu hal, angkat sekali x khusyuk, angkat 2x pun x khusyuk jgk lg.. Masuk je kali ketiga, Budin panggil tok imam. "Tok, tok duduk kat belakang, biar saya jadi imam." Tok imam pun undur le ke belakang.

Budin pun angkat le takbiratul ihram. "Allahu akbar!" Maka para makmum pun ikut angkat takbiratul ihram & memulakan solat. Tiba2 je si Budin ni pusing ke belakang dan berkata, "Aa, tengok! Sekali jee tokkkk!!"

Lalu batallah solat Budin. Yg lain2 pun ikut berenti sambil ketawa terbhk2.

Tok imam pun mintak pulak si Ciko jadi imam. Si Ciko pun terus ke depan jadi imam solat tersebut bermula dari takbir sampai le habis sembahyang. Siap dgn wirid2nya sekali.

Punyalah respek tok imam kat si Ciko niii... Lepas solat, tok imam pun puji-memuji leee si Ciko ni... Tapi dgn bongkaknye si Ciko berkata, "He hee, itu belum ambil wuduk lagi tu.

Kalau tak, lagi dassat aku semayang. He heee..." Tok imam pun terkedu & terpana..

Last But Not So Last .....Least

Oh my God... I'm laughing here hahahahah

Please read below conversation carefully. Of course it is targeted for coming election but it is also only a joke... hahahah

Pak Lah : This is the last meeting we are going to have before I make my decision on who our candidates are. First of all, I would like to thank Keng Yaik and Affendi for voluntarily backing out. You are truly gentlemen. Anyone else wants to back out? Think of the party, not of yourself.

Najib : I think Samy should back out la.

Samy : Apa pasai? Why you think I should back out? Why not you?

Najib : You are a liability to MIC and BN la Samy, accept it la.

Samy : What do you mean liability? Give me proof?

Hisham : Ayo Samy, our intelligence report say, we will lose almost 100% of Indian votes if you still lead MIC. If you get lost, maybe we can bring it down to 60%.

Samy : Pakla, don't listen to this two young punks la. Let me read this report just sent to me. After extensive intelligence gathering, we find that 20% of the Indians hated Samy Velu. Ha, only 20% la, where got 100%?

Nazri : Hey Samy I also got the same report la. Why don't you continue?

Samy : Okay, I'll continue, 40% cannot stand to see his face and 35% will kill him if they were to meet him. 5% believe that he is a good leader. Ha, I still got 5% what?

Pak Lah : Come on la Samy, you've been around for a long time already; you have made your money. You are even richer than me, so back out la. Think of the party la Samy.

Samy : Yes, I am richer than you but Najib, 2 deals only is already richer than me, why not ask him also to go? His submarine and Sukhoi and Altantunya also make him a liability what.

Pak Lah : I know that one, but he is from UMNO, that is the difference. The Malays will accept corrupt Malay leaders, as long as they potong, its okay.

Samy : Oh, kalu chunik potong kalu, berapa banyak rasuah pun takpa ka? Mana adil ini macam Pakla?

Najib : That is the way it is in this country Samy. We all from UMNO got immunity, you people, tadak potong punya, don't.

Samy : No, saya akan tetap bertanding.

Kayveas : Adei Samy, listen to them la, what they say is true la. Don't talk about justice all la, as if you are concerned about justice. This is not the place to be talking about justice la old man. We want to win. If that means you will be dropped then so be it.

Samy : Dei Kayveas, you just shut up la. You budak lagi la, you apa tau? What you want to be champions of the Indians ka? If I am forced to back out, I make sure you go down with me. Hey, Mahathir also cannot force me out la.

Kayveas : Tengok Pakla, tadak guna punya Hindu. Think of himself only. Just shoot him la Pakla, don't give chance. Najib, itu C4 lagi ada ka? Mari kita sekarang taroh itu C4 sama dia. Cilaka punya orang.

Keng Yaik : Samy ah, enough la. So long already you in the cabinet. You want to stay until you die ka? What you think they will bury you in the Makam Pahlawan ka? Every time people curse you la. Now even your own race cannot stand you, give up la Samy. Come join me la. We all retire. After all, we are not sure if we are going to win this time around. BN also not sure going to win or not.

Pak Lah : What are you talking about Kheng Yaik? Why you say like that? Lu jaga lu punya mulut ah Apek.

Keng Yaik :No la Pak Lah, If everyone wants to deny us 2/3 majority, then all of them would not vote us la. We may lose more than just 1/3 la. Haiya, that one also cannot see ah?

Pak Lah : Maybe the Chinese or Indians la Keng Yaik, not the Malays la. The Malays love UMNO.

Keng Yaik : Are you sure ah Pak Lah? Now even the Chinese and Indians are willing to vote PAS if it is the only opposition available to them, don't you think that there would be Malays willing to vote DAP? Don't be foolish la Pak Lah. Until now still cannot get Kelantan despite all the dirty tricks. Who are majority voters in Kelantan? Malys la, some more what.

Pak Lah : Betoi ka dia kata tu Najib?

Najib : Jangan dengar cakap orang tua penyembur tu la Pak lah. Orang Melayu takkan lupa UMNO punya. Orang Melayu rela mati untuk UMNO

Nazri : Ntah la, ada lojik jugak cakap Keng Yaik tu. Memang la orang Melayu rela mati untuk UMNO tapi rela ka dia mati untuk kita?

Pak Lah : Apa yang orang Melayu tak puaih hati lagi dengan kita? Kita bagi macam-macam kat depa, apa lagi dia mau?

Kah Ting : Lu mau tau ka? Dia olang tengok sumua itu UMNO punya olang besar manyak kaya. Bikin lumah banyak besar. Keleta 4, 5, sumua mahal-mahal punya. Dulu punya Melayu punya UMNO punya olang tak buat itu macam. Kalau dia kaya pun, dia tak tunjuk sama olang. Sekalang punya UMNO punya olang manyak sombong oh. Dia kaya, dia selalu tunjuk. Dia tak takot punya. Itu olang Melayu biasa tak suka la ini macam punya sombong punya olang.

Nazri : Apa, salah ka dia beli rumah besar dan kereta besar? Apa orang Cina saja ka buleh beli rumah besar. Pak Lah, letak Kah Ting kat Tanjong tengok. Jom kita tengok orang Cina suka kat dia ka tak?

Keng Yaik : Tak salah, tapi baru 2, 3 hari jadi menteri sudah kaya ka? Dia punya gaji berapa? Dulu jaga gate keretapi sekarang boleh bikin Istana, orang tak heran ka la Pak Lah? Your weakness ah, is that you think the Malays are stupid. They are not la Pak Lah. Many have opened their eyes la. Many are not ignorant anymore.

Pak Lah : Alah, kalau kalah pun, kalah sikit saja.

Keng Yaik : Sorry ha Pak Lah if I say something. You have been sleeping too much, you have lost touch with reality.

Pak Lah : I think ah Keng Yaik, you don't resign la. This year you stand in Permatang Pauh, mau ka?

Samy : Pak Lah, saya macam mana?

Pak Lah : Meeting adjourn la, semua balik dulu. Saya mengantok ni. Nanti lain kali la.

Dear Bosses...

New method to slow down, from India

Creative method for reducing speed !

Election fever

Heaven or Hell?

While walking down the street one day a Malaysian politician is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and he is met by an angel at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says the angel. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I have made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Yang Berhormat

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules," says the angel.

And with that, the angel escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and dressed in the finest batik there is. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then indulge themselves on lobsters, caviar and the most expensive food there is. Present together is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where the angel is waiting for him.

"Now it' s time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the Yang Berhormat joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and the angel returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The Yang Berhormat reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I am better off in hell."

So the angel escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the Yang Berhormat. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning, just like you did during an election...... Today you voted."

Before and after marriage

Before marriage....

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.

She: Do you want me to leave?

He: No! Don't even think about it.

She: Do you love me?

He: Of course! Over and over!

She: Have you ever cheated on me?

He: No! Why are you even asking?

She: Will you kiss me?

He: Every chance I get.

She: Will you hit me?

He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!

She: Can I trust you?

He: Yes.

She: Darling!

After marriage.... Simply read from bottom to top.